Confessions from a SAHM

I’m heading into my eighth year as a nanny/stay-at-home momma, and while my work situation is unique for many, this post has been on my heart to write and share with anyone else going through something similar; specifically, the fellow stay-at-home parents. When I first started to nanny full-time I was also pregnant with my oldest. I suddenly went from a high-stress retail career where I was a supervisor and directly in charge of over 100 employees, down to only three (and two of them couldn’t talk or feed themselves). While I didn’t miss the stress of deadlines, meetings, or tough conversations; I suddenly found myself in the throes of being home full-time and in the dead of a Minnesota winter with three young girls that needed me for everything. Surprisingly, I found myself in the depths of loneliness even amongst the busyness of parenting and care taking. Perhaps it was the dramatic change in careers and how my time was now being spent. But the main underlying cause for me was that all of my hard work didn’t feel like it was always enough. I’m sure many parents or care takers would agree with me when I say that we often times feel unnoticed. The tough parts of our job are rewarded with happy and healthy kids, but in those really hard moments- we don’t have backup, vacations, raises, or employee of the month status encouraging us to want to keep going or work harder when it feels less-than. When you find yourself still in the “planting of the seeds” phase, it’s hard to wait for the growth you know is coming. I used to find myself counting down the hours. I used to find myself dreaming of the days when they would all be eating food, in underwear, and then in school. I even used to think about what other job or hobby I could do on the side in order to measure my potential and feel more successful in the midst of having small children. Or heck just to be around other adults period. I mean I didn’t go to college to get a masters in diaper changing, did I?
Now, six kids later (two of them are mine), I still find myself getting lonely sometimes. I still find it hard to meet other moms (especially during a pandemic). I still find me thinking of the days when they will all eat food, all be in underwear, and all in school. But, I no longer let the mundane of my every day responsibilities keep me from feeling like I didn’t accomplish enough. I might not run a big business anymore, but molding my six young minds and caring for their current needs is something to be very proud of. While I’m still very much in the early years of planting my garden, and as my six seeds continue to grow, I now understand that the rewards of my labor are right here and are noticed. I matter. What I currently do matters. Even the really small things- like another diaper change or school pickup- matters.