Companions-

    "Let's be honest, sometimes when we're overwhelmed, particularly as Christians, we're tempted to retreat into ourselves. We don't want anyone to judge or shame us. We feel bad enough. Sometimes we don't know how to reach out to others when we're barely holding on. What do we even say?  How do we give words to the level of despair we're feeling? 

    But I know now in a way I've never understood before that when our hearts are broken, we need to be able to say it out loud. If we don't, we sink deeper and deeper into the pit. We need each other. We need to let people into our pain when it is too much to carry by ourselves. We need the companionship of brokenness, of people who love God but don't have all the answers.

    You and I were not designed to carry heavy weights for a long distance by ourselves. When life becomes too much, when everything feels out of control, we need the humility to ask for help, for prayers, to let others know that the weight is too much."

These are quotes taken from Sheila Walsh in her new book, Holding On When You Want To Let Go, and while there are so many things to unpack here, I would like to just simply start off by saying that her words give me hope and sadness all at once. Let me explain by saying, that while I know I need other people, having other people is where it gets tricky. Please tell me I am not the only one?! 

While, I wish to sound polished here, I think its more appropriate to just say it. I desperately wish for a community. I can think back to early on in my childhood where wanting companionship was probably the top thing on my mind in the same way other children want the hottest toy. I was lonely right out of the gate. I have talked about it on here before and especially in my Daughter Proof  series, that I was shy and awkward for most of my young self. Not really hitting any of the boxes we put ourselves into. In fact, I think I am still that way as an adult. School pickup puts things into perspective! Which leads me to say that now as a mom, I am more desperate for companionship than ever because I’ve done this life for a long time mostly alone-ish. We aren't meant to do this complicated life alone, yet on most days it feels like my husband is the only one taking the time to listen. And my mom too, does that count? But in many ways, it feels like my "eggs" are all in one basket. And can my husband really fathom the emotions that go into raising small humans especially during that time of the month? 

I think where it gets especially tricky is for people like me who are used to having their life's problems taking the back seat. Or, used to fulfilling the role as the sounding board or unpaid therapist. It seems like for most of the women in my community, I will never have the same weight of problems as they do. Which, if I am being totally honest, scares the crap out of me! What I mean by that is, that I don't think we should be ranking our suffering. I don't think it should take my mom getting diagnosed with cancer for you to want to be there for me (which totally happened). I tend to already sugar-coat my problems, but the message that I am receiving is that I need to. Someone in my life will always have it harder. Not to mention that sometimes mom friends in general feel like middle school all over again- why is that? 

I'm writing this because I cant be the only woman out there that feels this way! I cant be the only one sick of social media taking the feelings out of caring about one another. Or texts. Or email. I cant be the only one feeling like the complicated parts of my life will never measure up to others, or that I will never get the attention that I need sometimes. 

I think the interesting part about this pandemic period of our lives is that we are all in the same boat. But yet I cant help but feel like I'm still all alone in my feelings. When is the last time "liking" someone's picture or post gave you the same satisfaction of checking in on a friend? Has not being able to see each other in person created the monster of forgetting the importance of companionship in real time? When getting a hi or smile from another mom feels like the minimal effort (and even that sometimes is a stretch), why would I be able to unload some of the burden that I’m carrying too? 

I will end by saying that technology has made staying in touch easier than ever, yet I don't know about you, but it has made me more aware of the lack of genuine friendship or taking time for each other as Sheila has beautifully described above. Will it always be this way?