Impact (Follow Up)

 I’m currently reading a parenting book and it was in discovering this quote that I realized I could answer my previous post and so many questions that have plagued my brain for so long. It was especially in learning the harsh truth this past year that despite trying my best to make others in my life feel better, I can no longer put their needs above my own. I can literally commit self sabotage while trying to make others feel better which sounds quite ironic don’t you think?! 

It was in reading this quote that I realized most of what drives me to be giving was stemmed from lacking connection in my childhood. Here’s what Edward M. Hallowell says about a joyless adult, 

“The joyless adult who learned as a child that it was wrong to take pride in anything, is less flamboyant than the narcissistic, and so her plight may not be detected, even as a child. These people suffer in silence. They smile when they should, they say “thank you,” when praised, and they never put up a fuss or go off in a snit to pout. If only they would, we might discover how unhappy they are. Instead, they defer to others as a matter of course. They pick up on what others need, and they provide it. They please others, not to gain admiration or recognition but because they would feel guilty if they did not. They would feel as if they had let that person down. The fear of not pleasing others is what drives the joyless individual. This person feels intensely uncomfortable when noticed or singled out in a positive way, so she quickly defers to someone else. She feels ashamed and unworthy at being praised. This person feels it is wrong to feel good about who she is. She is the opposite of self- centered: she practically has no self on which to center; she intentionally negates her sense of self.” 

That was a lot I know! While I’m not ready to unpack all of what I’m feeling on here yet; I will say that he explains above why I am the way I am. I’m also not ready to throw my parents or teachers under the bus, but I’m realizing that in my childhood, I often blended in and didn’t feel connected to my peers at school, church or in my community outside of the soccer field. Simply put, I wasn’t taught how to deal with recognition in a healthy way. I was secretly an introvert being raised by an extrovert (although those terms weren’t a thing in my childhood). And being shy and sensitive never felt okay. 

So how do I end this, 

I guess while so much more needs to be articulated here; looking back, I’ve realized my mental health has only been healthy when I have taken care of myself and implemented boundaries around how I am giving to others. -Now I'm working on giving to the right people and also learning how to rely on others. AKA: asking for help, no biggie! 

(Taken From “The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness”)