Grief

On the fourth it marked four years ago that lung cancer took my beloved mother in-law away. What actually seems harder sometimes than doing this life without her, is remembering when she was here. Often times I catch myself trying to remember what a picture can’t hold- like her smell or the sound of her voice. I now understand why some people listen to old voicemails or videos over and over again. Don’t we all want to preserve our lost loved ones?

In case you are wondering, I didn’t get enough time with her to develop any of those stereotypical “mother in-law strained moments or relationships.” And in a way I am thankful for that, because when my daughters ask about her, I truly do not have those thoughts come to mind. On the other hand though, I didn’t get enough time with her, and being mad at her seems like the flip side most days than not having her here at all. When she was diagnosed, my husband and I had only been married for four months. When her treatments were finished and our hope shattered, I was pregnant with our oldest. I will tell you that receiving those types of news at doctors appointments puts life and it’s meaning into a very harsh perspective. However, I have learned since, that it also gives life a purpose. I will admit though, that for at least the first year after she died, I was probably more of an empty and even cyclical shell rather than an actual human being. But I am learning more and more now that living life on purpose does carry her memory and especially her legacy on. 

In retro speck it seems a little strange to be writing this here, but now as type this, I guess I am just hoping that this can relate myself to others in this same boat. The one, where we find our selves not freshly grieving anymore, but also remembering and feeling our lost ones absence a lot. I’m fairly certain that birthdays and anniversaries will always be hard, and that my daughter’s questions about her will be too.