Tell Me I'm Not the Only One,

I don't want to miss the actual fabric of the interior of my life and the beautiful children growing up right this second in my own home because I'm working to please people somewhere out there. I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong, and I want to know that I can change.

This mom's confession to how she feels about her life and legacy could practically mirror my own heart. It is in her words that I am finally able to speak my own. Vulnerability works like that. Her honesty was what I needed most; and although she's an author and not a personal friend, she gave me permission to release everything that I have been carrying for so long. 

I'm not sure how long I have felt like she described above. I have been a mom for almost seven years now and a nanny for a little longer. Perhaps, I was in a sleep deprived fog before, but I have to confess that I have felt this way for almost that entire time. Probably even before then. It has been within the past three years though, that I have allowed myself to even slow down long enough to recognize these feelings. And it's been a year of losing all of my armor (food, shopping, social media, entertainment, and alcohol) and facing these feelings face-to-face (and in a pandemic no less). I feel naked. I feel like I feel everything. I have never felt both lighter and lonelier in my entire life! Lighter because I am no longer masking my problems or feelings with other things. And lonelier, because no one in my life is losing their fixes to fix themselves. I am trying to overcome my tendencies to perfect and people please my way through life. I know it will be a lifelong journey because I am human after all. But in my perfectionist heart of hearts I don't want it to be something that I will always struggle with. I, like Shauna Niequist, want to know that I can change.