The New Norm
This past week Adam and I have eaten dinner in bed almost every night. A rule that I am afraid I have subjected my husband into breaking along with my bad influences of being addicted to watching late night episodes of Bones. Thank goodness for Netflix! However, I have realized that although this doesn't constitute us into committing a crime, rather just breaking our own rules, we should be allowed to "be bad" considering everything that we have been through in the past month.
It has been a month and a few hard days since we lost the baby we had so willingly wanted to keep. Somehow, it never seems fair that the ones who want children the most seem to have the hardest time. Of course, I never pictured myself to be one of those women who struggle to carry a baby, not that anyone does, and yet I am faced with that harsh reality. Every day is a challenge of figuring out how to deal with my emotions and carry out life as "normal" as possible. When we miscarried it seemed as if the rest of the world should have stopped too and let us process what had just happened to our newly formed family. It never seems fair that when you're hurting no one else can detect what it really going on inside of you, and the ones that do know never seem to know the right words to say. I wished then that someone, any one, could have answered our questions-why us? Better yet, what went wrong?
Miscarrying is very common, but as hard as that may be to deal with, knowing what to do next in life has been even harder to grasp. There are no facts about how to continue on living. No one wants to talk about it and even so, everyone deals with loss differently. We were told to try again and hope that this last time was just "bad luck." As much as I hope that this first pregnancy was just bad luck, can I try for another baby without being scared to death that this wont happen again? I know that there is never a guarantee that it cant happen again, but until I can figure out a way to completely trust in the Lord in this next pregnancy, I don't know if I can do this.
For now, I don't need to figure everything out. As hard as it is, I am learning to trust in the Lord and His timing- a lesson I need to be reminded of every day. It might sound crazy, but eating in bed has kept me feeling as if we are still living, even if it is just eating, we are together.
Our God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3
It has been a month and a few hard days since we lost the baby we had so willingly wanted to keep. Somehow, it never seems fair that the ones who want children the most seem to have the hardest time. Of course, I never pictured myself to be one of those women who struggle to carry a baby, not that anyone does, and yet I am faced with that harsh reality. Every day is a challenge of figuring out how to deal with my emotions and carry out life as "normal" as possible. When we miscarried it seemed as if the rest of the world should have stopped too and let us process what had just happened to our newly formed family. It never seems fair that when you're hurting no one else can detect what it really going on inside of you, and the ones that do know never seem to know the right words to say. I wished then that someone, any one, could have answered our questions-why us? Better yet, what went wrong?
Miscarrying is very common, but as hard as that may be to deal with, knowing what to do next in life has been even harder to grasp. There are no facts about how to continue on living. No one wants to talk about it and even so, everyone deals with loss differently. We were told to try again and hope that this last time was just "bad luck." As much as I hope that this first pregnancy was just bad luck, can I try for another baby without being scared to death that this wont happen again? I know that there is never a guarantee that it cant happen again, but until I can figure out a way to completely trust in the Lord in this next pregnancy, I don't know if I can do this.
For now, I don't need to figure everything out. As hard as it is, I am learning to trust in the Lord and His timing- a lesson I need to be reminded of every day. It might sound crazy, but eating in bed has kept me feeling as if we are still living, even if it is just eating, we are together.
Our God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3
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