22

On September 22nd it would of been my Gran’s 94th Birthday. I said would have, because she passed away four years ago this summer. It has taken this long to truly except not that she’s gone, but to understand and feel her last gift to me instead of the guilt I thought was inevitable. Let me explain; my Gran had been in a quarrel with herself for the last year of life. She would toss between being content with her afterlife and planning her 90th birthday party. Girlfriend loved herself some cake and attention. But I kid you not, that at every doctor appointment she would say it would be her last. We had so many goodbyes. Some that felt quick and painless, and others monumental. I remember thinking that if she really “kicked the bucket,” her term not mine, that I would be able to grieve normally. I knew it would be hard because she was my best friend, but I never could of imagined that she would pass away in the way that she did. Until recently I carried so much regret about our last days together. See, she passed away unexpectedly. I honestly thought that there would have been more suffering leading up to it, and I can see now that because of who she was as a person, it was peaceful on purpose. I never got to have a “formal” goodbye. You know the one where you say goodbye knowing it will be your last and in those final breaths. Instead I rushed that day, playing it off as her just taking a nap, and so I quickly said goodbye and that I would be back in the morning. It wasn’t until this birthday that I finally realized her gift. She gave me at least a full year of intentional moments together. She gave me undivided attention, unanswered questions, kisses, hugs, and lots of hand holding. We did get our formal goodbye after all, but instead of at the very end, it was when she could say it back. However, when thinking more about it, she truly gave me the ability of slowing down. It’s like she knew, now four years later, in the crazy socially connected world we live in, that I would need this sweet reminder of focusing on who really matters. It really is a gift. One that I can say started with her and now gets carried out by even my daughters too.