100 Reasons to Panic
I don't know if its a good sign to get 100 Reasons to Panic About Having a Baby book for a shower gift or my best friend just feeding my sense of humor before I embark on this new parenting adventure. Panicking or not panicking, I got a kick out of it and I can laugh now because Ava isn't exactly here yet. Perhaps I will be writing my own book someday, probably sooner than I care to admit-1,000 Reasons to Panic About Having a Baby. I am sure I am not alone when I say that there are times when I question whether or not my mother instincts will just naturally kick in. Will I ever be ready? Maybe fear is a good thing, babies probably sense over confidence anyways. Okay, this was supposed to be a funny post not an insight on what's really going on inside my head!
Well, perhaps I just need to share some of my favorite reasons from the book so we can laugh, panic and possibly pee together- or just me, I'll probably be the one doing all three here.
1. You cant even keep a plant alive-how will you take care of a baby? -Plants don't cry when they're hungry.
6. You wont survive labor. -Think of all the nitwits who've pushed a baby out. You'll be okay.
7. You'll never sleep again. -That lack of sleep fog is just like being drunk without the pesky hangover.
11. You might break the baby. -Babies are surprisingly durable. (My brother can attest to this).
13. Your parents and in-laws will be overbearing with their advice. -Your mutual desire to kill them will bring you and your partner closer.
32. All of your bad habits will be passed on to this little creature. -So will all of your good ones.
33. You'll have to sit through insipid kid's movies. -This is how you'll catch up on your sleep.
42. You'll have to answer your kids questions about sex. -Better to learn it from you than on the streets.
45. Baby poop will make you puke. -That's nothing that two days with a newborn wont solve.
50. Baby weight is hard to lose. -Pediatricians say breastfeeding can burn 500 or more calories a day.
55. You'll dread changing your baby's diapers and fantasize about letting her sit in it. -If you're
lucky, someday she'll change yours.
58. After the whole birthing experience, your partner wont look at you the same way. -For a brief moment, you'll see each other like godlike beings. After that, you'll both be too tired to notice each other at all.
61. You'll never have sex again. -You'll get quick and stealthy, like a nookie ninja.
69. All the toddler fits, meltdowns, and tantrums will drive you to drink. -You'll be well prepared for adolescence.
72. You'll have to help your kid with math homework. -Maybe this time you'll get it.
87. She'll cry and you wont know what's wrong. -You wont have a clue what's wrong. But you'll figure out the wet cry, the tired cry, and the hungry cry-eventually. Then you'll feel like the baby whisperer.
89. Puberty will kill you. -You survived it once, you'll survive it again; this time you wont have the zits.
90. You wont like your kid's friends. -Some days you'll like his friends more than you like him.
92. You wont think your kid is cute (aka "what if he gets Grandpa's nose"). -you're biologically programmed to think they're cute. This is what keeps you from selling them.
93. The baby will bite while nursing. -Only once: babies don't like it when you shriek and fling them from their food source.
100. You'll screw your kid up, utterly and completely. -You'll either keep her future therapist employed- or be a major part of her memoir.
Well, perhaps I just need to share some of my favorite reasons from the book so we can laugh, panic and possibly pee together- or just me, I'll probably be the one doing all three here.
1. You cant even keep a plant alive-how will you take care of a baby? -Plants don't cry when they're hungry.
6. You wont survive labor. -Think of all the nitwits who've pushed a baby out. You'll be okay.
7. You'll never sleep again. -That lack of sleep fog is just like being drunk without the pesky hangover.
11. You might break the baby. -Babies are surprisingly durable. (My brother can attest to this).
13. Your parents and in-laws will be overbearing with their advice. -Your mutual desire to kill them will bring you and your partner closer.
32. All of your bad habits will be passed on to this little creature. -So will all of your good ones.
33. You'll have to sit through insipid kid's movies. -This is how you'll catch up on your sleep.
42. You'll have to answer your kids questions about sex. -Better to learn it from you than on the streets.
45. Baby poop will make you puke. -That's nothing that two days with a newborn wont solve.
50. Baby weight is hard to lose. -Pediatricians say breastfeeding can burn 500 or more calories a day.
55. You'll dread changing your baby's diapers and fantasize about letting her sit in it. -If you're
lucky, someday she'll change yours.
58. After the whole birthing experience, your partner wont look at you the same way. -For a brief moment, you'll see each other like godlike beings. After that, you'll both be too tired to notice each other at all.
61. You'll never have sex again. -You'll get quick and stealthy, like a nookie ninja.
69. All the toddler fits, meltdowns, and tantrums will drive you to drink. -You'll be well prepared for adolescence.
72. You'll have to help your kid with math homework. -Maybe this time you'll get it.
87. She'll cry and you wont know what's wrong. -You wont have a clue what's wrong. But you'll figure out the wet cry, the tired cry, and the hungry cry-eventually. Then you'll feel like the baby whisperer.
89. Puberty will kill you. -You survived it once, you'll survive it again; this time you wont have the zits.
90. You wont like your kid's friends. -Some days you'll like his friends more than you like him.
92. You wont think your kid is cute (aka "what if he gets Grandpa's nose"). -you're biologically programmed to think they're cute. This is what keeps you from selling them.
93. The baby will bite while nursing. -Only once: babies don't like it when you shriek and fling them from their food source.
100. You'll screw your kid up, utterly and completely. -You'll either keep her future therapist employed- or be a major part of her memoir.
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